Frustration and Laziness

I've always been lazy, but never really creatively lazy. Never really just "blah". There was always a bit of productivity there, too. Probably not as much as it should have been, and maybe this is my punishment for that mistake.

In high school, I had school to focus on with a goal in mind--college. That's what was next. I scored the grades and the scholarships, and that's where I went.

In college, it was all about getting that degree. I did it. I finished and got a degree. Perhaps I chose the wrong degree. Maybe I should have focused on something more practical. That's done and over now. I have a BA in English (concentration in professional writing).

And then, that was it. What was next? Graduate school? Nah. In hindsight, maybe that's what I should have aimed for; though. It was fear of loans and debts that scared me away the most. So, then what? Start working. But where and with whom doing what? I didn't know. I never really thought about it.

I always wanted to be a writer, and as all good writers, I had that one story. Of course, as with all writers, I never actually wrote it. It just sits there, not knowing how to flow from mind to page. And in college, I never wrote it. To this day, I've never wrote it. And other stories have come up, but I never wrote them either. Not more than a thousand words here or there.

So, not really writer, I guess. I have a degree, but that doesn't mean much when you can't get the writing samples together to offer them to a potential employer.

What came next was my dream to work in a particular industry. I decided to go the route of Customer Service to get into that industry, and you know what, I actually liked it. I enjoyed going to work each day. And I had options and places to go at that point.

Three years later, I don't feel like I have anywhere else to go. And I don't know where to go outside of where I am now. It's not like it was my first year or even my second.

And now when I get home, I don't want to do anything but be lazy. It doesn't help that my current shift is very odd hours either.

It's my fault; though, and every time I set out to do something about it, I get lost. I don't know where to go or how to do it.

It's not like I'm doing terrible in life. I live on my own, and pretty much pay all of my bills. Living alone is not cheap, and I'm managing to do it without being utterly broke, so that's a success, right?

But it's hard to see success when you don't feel successful. And I really don't anymore. I feel like I'm working toward something that I'm not really sure about, and I'm not really getting there anyway.

And even if I did, what next?

Don't get me wrong, I do actually enjoy my job. The details at least, not so much the bigger picture. Nor do I enjoy the other crap that comes with it; however, I know that is the same with every job now. I saw it when I worked with my dad, and I always hoped that I'd find a place that didn't have that stuff. Now I know that such a place doesn't really exist. Not permanently at least.

Now if I could only find a way to fix myself. To fix the slump I'm in, and break out there.